First, great news on the slot receiver front. It sounds as though “The Man They Call Welker” could be ready to go not only for training camp but also for game one against the Pink n’ Orange Kitties. This is probably the best story coming out of the NFL this offseason, particularly when you consider its competition includes the serial rapist in Pittsburgh, Chris Henry’s failed “Teen Wolf” roof ride attempt, and JaMarcus “The Robo-Trip” Russell getting busted with the purple stuff (would’ve been okay if it had been Sunny D). One thing I do not want to see is Wes involved in any way, shape or form during game 16 against the Texans the preseason slate.
Tom Brady needs an extension, Tom Brady deserves to get paid handsomely via said extension, and Mr. Kraft is going to take care of our boy. And by the way, Brady shows up for camp with the rookies instead of acting like a holding-out, spoiled little bitch. Take notes, Logan Mankins.
Continuing with Foxboro fodder, two more picks got inked yesterday (Gronkowski and Cunningham) leaving only Brandon Spikes and Devin McCourty unsigned from this year’s draft stock. Indications are that the quicksand-like progression of other first round picks’ negotiations is the main factor holding up McCourty’s signing, while Spikes’ agent is “hopeful” his deal will soon be done. The sooner these kids get to camp with the Hoodie, the better.
As they sit five games out of the AL wild card playoff spot, it should be noted that a ton of games remain for the Sox to right what appears to be a swiftly-sinking ship. Yes, Beckett and Buchholz have returned to solidify the starting rotation. And it appears that Victor will be activated for tonight’s tilt with the Mighty Ducks. Heck, even Jacoby is participating in rehab games. But the issue for this team at the moment can be summed up by a quick glance at this picture:
The bridge to Bard and Papelbon is broken, washed out by a bad back, poor mechanics and/or the league catching on to his stuff. Whatever the reason or excuse, Okajima is a shell of the guy who used to reliably get the lead to the big guns, and his own silence on the matter is perhaps more damning than the lousy performances themselves. (Oh, and as an extra special treat, the Angels will fire newly-acquired Dan Haren across the bow at the Sox for tonight’s series opener. Ouch.)
Okay, fantasy freeloaders. Time for Mr. H’s Round Two selections. Refer back to Round One if you need a refresher on who’s off the board; God knows it was a while ago…
11. Randy Moss: The Man from Rand is in a contract year, his QB is another year removed from knee surgery, and oh yeah, he’s still fucking nasty. Tied for the league-lead in TD catches with 13 last season; I’m putting him down for 16+ this year.
12. Drew Brees: Hard to believe I’d put any skin-slinger above this guy, but as I said in the previous column, A-Rodge’s rushing stats are the difference. Best deep ball in the league could easily make a fool of me, to the tune of 4500 yards and (maybe) 40 TDs.
13. Rashard Mendenhall: I hate the Steelers, but the kid is talented, the offense is solid with Roethlisberger and they love to pound the rock. And by that I mean rape girls.
14. Reggie Wayne: All he does is catch what Peyton tosses his way. 1200 yards and 10 scores last season with Dallas Clark putting up career numbers himself; I think he improves slightly in both categories this year.
15. Calvin Johnson: It’s show-and-prove time for Megatron, and by that I mean he needs to show-and-prove that he can put up numbers worthy of the most bad-ass nickname in professional sports. I think he’ll do just that, somewhere in the neighborhood of 1300 yards and 12 scores, and I’d consider him over Mendenhall AND Wayne if Stafford looks good in camp.
16. Roddy White: The WR run continues as White solidifies himself as an elite receiver. Matt Ryan can get him the rock, and he’s already got three straight seasons with at least 80 grabs and 1100 yards.
17. Peyton Manning: Yeah, I know, what about Tom Terrific? Fear not, he’s coming up soon. But in the second round I have to give Frankenstein’s monster the nod. He’s a machine who proved he could do it statistically without Marvin Harrison. Book him for 4000 yards, 30 TDs, and zero interest from females.
18. Ryan Grant: Maybe the most under-appreciated back in the fantasy spectrum, probably because of all the attention Rodgers, Jennings, Driver and Co. receive. He was good for 1250 yards and 11 scores (with only one fumble lost) last season; only knock is his lack of receiving numbers due to the plethora of Packer options.
19. Tom Brady: I strongly believe that Brady now has the most talented receiving corps in the league, particularly with the positive reports regarding Welker’s health. Moss, Wes, and Holt are only the beginning as the Pats can also roll out youngsters Brandon Tate, Julian Edelman, and the spanking-new TE duo/Cranston law firm of Gronkowski and Hernandez. Don’t forget about Crump Juice, either. I can’t wait to watch him run somebody over.
20. Cedric Benson: Yuck, yuck, yuck. I hate writing this guy in, because if there’s one thing I can’t fucking stand, it’s somebody I should draft in a certain position even though I’m positive he’s going to commit a felony/eat his way out of the league/remember he’s a pussy. That said, the dude put up digits last year, and I really like their offense if they land T.O. Hold your nose and pick him.
Round Two is in the books. Hopefully I’ll have an expedited Round Three for you folks (fucks?) in the next day or three.