Moving Day

Yeah, you heard me right. Nenad Krstic.

While the possibility of a Kendrick Perkins exit from Boston following the 2010-2011 season was a strong one, few if any saw this coming in February.  Danny Ainge pulled the trigger on a pair of moves today, the marquee one sending Perk and Nate “The Human Afterthought” Robinson to Oklahoma City in exchange for Jeff Green and Arvydas Sabonis Sarunas Marciulonis Nenad Krstic.  It’s fine, he has a posse.  No, really, he does.

And by "posse", I of course mean "Nick Collison".

Granted, Perk just messed up the MCL in his non-surgically-repaired knee and was expected to miss the next few games.  Granted, Perk was likely to walk come the offseason.  Granted, Nate Robinson seemed to have hit a wall with his growth spurt regards to his absorption of the Celtics system.  And I’ll even grant that the acquisition of Jeff Green, a very sound and versatile all-around player and former Danny Ainge draft pick, helps to back up two positions (SF and PF), an important factor particularly in light of Marquis Daniels’ unfortunate injury:

But consider the following.  Jeff Green is in a similar contract situation as Perk, facing the opportunity to walk at the end of the year and test the market (though the Celtics would have the chance to match any offer sheet Green could potentially sign as a restricted free agent).  Will he really want to return to the Celtics and continue backing up future Hall of Famers when he is possessed of starter-level talent?  And what of all the talk, particularly that of Doc Rivers, about how the former Celtics starting five had yet to lose a playoff series when healthy?  A Game 7 victory over LA last year has been promised by countless Celtics faithful…provided they could have had the services of Kendrick.  Are we to trust the legs of the O’Neals, the waist of Big Baby, and the glass jaw of Krstic to provide an interior intimidation factor and help keep the likes of Eastern Conference bigs Dwight Howard, Amare Stoudamire, Josh Smith, Chris Bosh, Brook Lopez, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah at bay?  And what of the trees of the West, the lurking threats of Gasol, Duncan, Nene, Aldridge, and, yes…Perkins?  KG cannot do it by himself.  It remains to be seen whether the Celtics can do it at all.

Oh yeah, that shitty foreign center and that shitty 40-year-old virgin guy from Notre Dame got dealt to Cleveland for a Cavs’ second-rounder.  Yippee.

The Rest of the Trade Action (That Actually Matters)

-Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups to the Knicks, Deron Williams to the Nets, Baron Davis to the Cavs, Gerald Wallace to the Blazers, Aaron Brooks to the Suns.  The Blazers committed grand larceny in that Wallace deal, by the way.  No way does His Airness make good use of those two first-rounders he got back from Portland.

Holy fuck, it’s a poll!

C’s Three-Peat Heat, Tiger Hawks Loogies (Not Birdies) and More

I know...I know...you're okay...you're okay...(pats him on the back)

Losing sucks.  For a long, long time, we had our share of it in New England.  But then 2001 came to pass, and with it the first championship for our beloved Patriots, and things around here changed.  The Pats rang up three titles by ’04, the Sox took over with two by ’07, even the C’s got in on the act with a ring in the ’07-’08 season.  What I’m saying to LeBron James is that we, as a region, know exactly what he’s going through.  What I’m also saying is that we, as a region, don’t give a rat’s ass.

Not only are we devoid of compassion for Mr. James’ plight, we revel in it.  We love watching him brick free throws.  We smile when he passes to Mike Miller, who proceeds to clunk a wide-open straightaway three that would have tied the game.  We high-five each other when Delonte West busts his kids in Gloria James’ face.  Too soon?

Now, I am certainly not comparing the Celtics’ perfect regular season record against the Heat this year to any kind of playoff success.  I don’t have to do that.  LeBron has yet to defeat the Green in a series that sends somebody home.  And until he does, I’m going to assume that he can’t.  But do I derive a supreme satisfaction from witnessing his failure?  I do indeed.  And if that makes me petty, well…at least my mom didn’t get banged by my VD-ridden teammate.

Logan Mankins got franchised by the Patriots today.  Poor guy is set to make a touch over ten million this year (if there is a this year) barring the creation of a new contract.  Best case scenario?  Mankins and the Pats cut the crap and work something out (I’ve got those odds at about 5% and falling).  Worst case scenario?  Mankins holds out again, plays the last handful of games and the Pats owe him a prorated salary.  I don’t think Mr. Kraft should mortgage the future on the guy, but he definitely deserves to get paid like the best guard in the league, which he is.

I see that Dice K and Lackey have shown up in Fort Myers sporting some new waistlines.  Remember guys, the key to success as a major league pitcher is keeping your ERA below your waist size after you move the decimal point over.  Guess that explains Beckett’s size 58 waist last year.

Tiger Woods got in some hot water with his wife with Dubai Desert Classic tournament director Mike Stewart for spitting on the green over the weekend.  Are we really surprised at this, given that the man has horked a big one all over his family, his image, and his golf game in a little over a year’s time?  Or are we more surprised that he didn’t beg the green to spit back in his mouth, and then he’ll spit in the sandtrap’s mouth, and then the sandtrap will spit on Jon Daly, and so on and so on until eventually somebody posts about it on their porn site and Elin ends up with half of everything?

Conversely, half of the Nordgren twins leaves you with...one of the Nordgren twins. You fucking dope.

In other news…

-Uncle C.C. has left the door open to opting out of his contract with the Yankees after the ’11 season.  Rumors that Sabathia’s stomach is what’s preventing the door from closing remain unsubstantiated.

-Hank Steinbrenner feels the Sox “have a lot to prove after last year,” which means a ton coming from Captain Daddy Issues himself.  But I’m pretty sure the only thing Boston needs to prove in order to win the AL East this year is that they can stay off the DL.  Sorry Hank, but having “the best bullpen in baseball” only becomes effective when your starters don’t put you in a five-run hole.

-An MRI on the Truth’s aching left foot came back negative and Pierce has been cleared to play Wednesday against the Nets.  Breathe easily, Garden wheelchair operators.  And there’s more positive news on the Celtic injury front:  Mr. West (broken wrist) should be ready to go on Wednesday as well.  You know what that means, Gloria.  You too, Andrei Kirilenko…

Remember Us?

Yeah, me neither.  So as a refresher, allow us to re-introduce ourselves.  We are Mr. H and JC…and we are pretty pissed off most of the time.

Ladies (maybe?) and gentlemen (one or two of you), both JC and myself have left you as so many URI coeds have been abandoned…naked, shivering, wishing you had listened a little more to Aunt Doreen when she would tell you, in that gravelly, smoke-stained voice of hers, not to get in cars with strangers.  For this reprehensible and unforgivable dereliction of duty, we apologize.  For the forced sex, ruffies, oxycontin and wiffleball bats…we most certainly do not.

To say that the landscape of New England sports has gone through a bit of an upheaval since our last post (August 14th of last year) would be a disservice to plate tectonics everywhere.  Our beloved Patriots cruised to a first-round bye through a 14-2 “rebuilding year”, only to throw out a dud in their first playoff game against Antonio Cromartie and his 52 children (that’s 106 feet Rex, not counting yours…yummy yummy).  Our beloved Red Sox bitch-slapped the rest of the league in terms of roster moves, acquiring Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez, Bobby Jenks, me and you, your momma and your cousin, too.  Seriously, they bought pretty much everybody and have to be considered the World Series favorite heading into the season.  And what of our beloved Celtics?  Currently, the Green hold down the best record in the East and Ray Allen just passed Reggie Miller in career 3-pointers made about half an hour ago against the despised Mighty Ducks of Lakerheim.

New England has gone wanting for a professional sports title since the C’s win over the Lakers in ’08.  As the 2011 sports season gets into full swing, a number of issues will help determine whether we can get back on the board.  Fans of the NFL are currently being held hostage by the ongoing (and seemingly never-ending) dispute over the league’s CBA, a bitch-fest of epic proportions that threatens to exterminate both the 2011 NFL season and a shot at redemption for Brady and Co.  Will Pedroia and Youkilis return healthy and productive to fill out a re-vamped Red Sox lineup, and can Beckett, Lackey, Bud Lite Head and The Artist Formerly Known As Okey Doke rebound from disappointing ’10 campaigns?  While the Celtics appear like the team to beat when healthy, a litany of injuries has left them short-handed (both O’Neals, Delonte West, Brian Scalabrine, and tonight Nate Robinson went down) and the eventual destination of a disgruntled Nugget could very well decide the fate of the Green.

No ring means no ring, Ben

One thing, however, is very much for certain.  Ben Roethlisberger is no Tom Brady.  Hahahahahaha, I’m not sure I can accurately quantify just how pleased I am that Pittsburgh lost to Green Bay.  It was like what I imagine watching your first child being born is like, minus the mucus, the stench, and the shrieking.  Oh yeah, and it’s getting increasingly difficult for me to dislike Mark Sanchez.  Seventeen, dude?  High school, dude?  Can’t go to the club on a Wednesday night because she has a quiz in earth science first period on Thursday, dude?  Good for you.  No…fucking GREAT for you.  At least Sanchez doesn’t have to drug underage chicks and get his bodyguard to block the women’s bathroom while he rapes them.  Fucking rapin’ bastard.  I really can’t believe Steeler fans can root for that guy.  Whatever, he’s just going to do it again…

…it, much like our absence from this page, is only a matter of time.

Haiku by JC

My absence from the Rage the last month and change has bordered on irresponsible.  I’ve been dealing with some life shit, and now that it’s handled, I found myself ready to commit to the blog I created for the sake of entertaining my friends, my enemies, and casual third-party observers.

But in the last 48 hours, Papelbon blows an inconceivable 9th inning lead and Ty Warren goes on IR with a phantom hip injury.  How the fuck is JC supposed to come correct after that kind of trauma??

That news straight up chalked my enthusiasm and left me with a dearth of words to punch on the screen.  Historically when that happens, I turn to my favorite medium for expressing myself cleverly, the 5-7-5.

Voici

I think I’m Big Meech
Larry Hoover. Gettin Work
(UGH) Hallelujah

Number ninety four
Injured reserve, D-line fucked
Texas A and M

Papelbon sucks, huh?
Velocity is way down
Get some new goggles

Mr. H annoyed
By my two month long absence
I’m back…….but sober

Pats looked sharp last night
And Julian Edelman
Is one real fast Jew

Cumberland, RI
Little League World Series berth
Dante Baldelli

You guys see Hard Knocks?
Rex is such a big, fat FUCK
Excellent TV

Speaking of TV
Best show on television
Sons Of Anarchy (Back the Tuesday after Labor Day)

Fantasy Football
Makes Sunday even better
Need DirecTV

Mosque at Ground Zero?
That’s a delicate issue
But no fucking way!

GTL Baby
Grenade Free Federation
Yet, they bang grenades

New York Football Jets
Needed Indy to lay down
They go eight and eight

Whatever.  When you lose one of the heart and soul guys of your most dominant four season stretch, and the Red Sox lose Youk AND a terrible game in the same 12 hours, it’s tough to write something informative, funny, or any reasonable combination of the two.

I will say this though.  When I predicted in June the the first six draft choices of our 2010 litter (McCourty, Spikes, Gronk, Hernandez, Price, Mesko) would all be starters on opening day of 2011 – as in next year – I was chided and shit-talked and punked out by all the know nothing fans at 18to88.com, a haven for midwest shit kickers and Mid Major college students who have no viable source for information other than Nate Dunlevy’s agenda driven imagination.

Looks like I might be right by Week 4, you stupid hacks.

– JC

Two Days In a Row?!? You Better Believe It!

Because you can never get enough of a good thing, I proudly present two posts in as many days for the first time…well, almost EVER.  Enjoy; this one is structured a little differently and EVEN INCLUDES A POLL AT THE END, for those of you who like making your voices heard.  Let’s kick it off with my next ten fantasy picks; Joe Addai was the last player I ranked at number 40…

Round 5

41. Thomas Jones: Just named starter for the Chiefs over perceived incumbent Jamaal Charles, Jones is one of those beastly super-athletes who seems like he can defy the “I’m 30 Years Old Curse” of NFL running backs.  Popped off for 1400 yards in a Jets uniform last season; only drawback is in PPR leagues as Jones isn’t much of a passing game factor.

42. Philip Rivers: Hate his personality, hate his uniform, hate his face, but only Drew Brees has tossed more touchdowns over the past two seasons.  He’s got a rookie RB in Mathews for pass protection and will be without top WR target Vincent Jackson for some of the season, but I’ve already professed my love for Antonio Gates and what I think he’ll bring to the passing game this year.  Malcolm Floyd isn’t too shabby, either.

43. Brett Favre: Fucker, fucker, fucker, this son of a bitch just keeps doing the same thing over and over and over again.  Okay, enough about what pisses me off; Favre had an amazing run last year, Minnesota is offensively loaded for bear, and that arm of his just doesn’t seem capable of quitting.  As long as his ankle is good to go, so too will Favre be.

44. Jonathan Stewart: The second half of Carolina’s two-headed backfield monster, Stewart typically lasts wayyyy too long in drafts given his recent success.  The Panthers will run their way through this season, and you can pretty much book Stewie for 1000 yards and 8-10 scores.

45. Anquan Boldin: Joe Flacco has a new toy to play with in Charm City, and I’m betting Anquan couldn’t get out of Matt Leinart’s general vicinity fast enough.  This facial surgery expert (hey ‘Quan, why the long face?) is coming into a good situation with the Ravens, as Derrick Mason commands attention from the other side and Ray Rice is, in general, a defensive nightmare.  I expect 1200 yards and 8+ scores; don’t be surprised if he mashes those numbers.

46. Vernon Davis: Racked up 13 touchdowns as Alex Smith’s most reliable target last season.  The emergence of Crabtree as a number one receiver may cut into his looks a tad, but I like what SF has done to improve their offensive line, giving Smith and Gore more time to extend drives and therefore increase scoring chances.

47. Steve Smith (NYG): Big sigh as I write this because, in my heart, the REAL Steve Smith plays in Carolina.  Hard to ignore this Smith’s digits from a season ago, however.  He was the fourth-most targeted wideout in the league and Eli seems to have settled down a bit with the head-shaking and shoulder-shrugging.  Smith and Mario Manningham form a better-than-average WR duo with complementary abilities.

48. Matt Forte: From “Mr. Universe” to “Ms. Woonsocket”, it seemed like Forte and the Bears couldn’t do a thing right last season.  I’m banking on Mike Martz being able to provide Forte with a Marshall Faulk-like role in the offense, but the acquisition of Chester Taylor scares the heck out of me.  Still, PPR leagues should draft Forte with a fair amount of confidence.

49. Chad Ochocinco: I don’t see T.O. cutting into Ocho’s production much (in fact, Chad seems to perform better when he has somebody to compete with at WR, like Houshmandzadeh).  Carson Palmer’s health and arm strength are of concern here; it seemed at times last year that he couldn’t get the ball downfield with the same zip he used to have.  And there’s always the risk of a locker room implosion/dance-provoked suspension out of Ocho.

50. Jason Witten: Closed last season with three 100-yard+ games over his last six, and the Dallas offense should once again be difficult to stop.  Only knock on Witten is Romo’s seeming preference to look in other directions at the goal line (two TD catches last year), but his overall reception and yardage numbers are elite.  I’d expect a handful of scores out of Witten this season to go along with his other typically stellar numbers.

So endeth my top 50 players for the upcoming season.  Don’t worry, I’ll throw my next 50 up here in time for all you last-minute drafters.  Now, on to that poll I promised earlier…

Local Wrap, Why the C’s Needed Shaq, Fantasy Part 4 and More

Deliver Us From Evil (Empire)

The golden left arm of Jon Lester salvaged a must-have series split in the Bronx this afternoon, holding NY scoreless over 6+ innings to snap a personal four-game losing streak.  This effort may have been for naught, however, without a stellar bullpen performance from Daniel Bard and Papelbon, both of whom entered the game with the Sox in a jam and proceeded to pitch out of them.  Jacoby Ellsbury made what seems like his first contribution of the season in tying Remy’s  team record for steals in a game with four swipes, while Bill Hall, J.D. Drew and recent call-up Ryan Kalish accounted for the two Boston runs.  Kalish actually received some fantasy lovin’ from Yahoo the other day, an article that bumped his ownership up to a whopping 3% across the Yahoo universe.  Good stuff, kiddo.

It’s probably a good time to mention the Youkilis injury, a devastating blow to say the least.  Tito has done a miraculous job of tricking this team into winning games and staying in the playoff hunt, but this is probably the straw that snaps this particular camel’s back.  It is impossible to replace Youk’s offensive and defensive production unless you’re somehow going to trade for Mark Teixera, and I’m pretty sure that’s out of the question.  Pedroia is targeting a return sometime next week, but that might be too little, too late.  Pardon the pun; he’s really, really small.

Speaking of really, really small...

I love pretty much everything the Celtics have done (and not done) this offseason, and the signing of one Shaquille O’Neal is no exception.  There is no guarantee that Perk will be at all effective when he finally gets back on the court next season, and the C’s (like everybody else in the East other than Orlando) need bodies to throw at Dwight Howard.  The Diesel is as big a body as they come, he’s still physical as hell when he wants to be (just ask Rondo), and there’s no substitute for the level of experience, savvy, and swagger he brings to the team.  Like they needed more swagger.  Plus, I have to imagine the guy who gave The Truth his nickname is out for a little blood after being abandoned by LeBron in favor of former co-champ Dwayne Wade and former speedy carnivorous dinosaur Chris Bosh.  Oh yeah, and he still hates Kobe, which makes him okay in my book.  He gets introduced tomorrow and I can’t wait for the press conference.

Patriot nation is buzzing with the news of Aaron Schobel’s release from the Bills over the weekend, and it sounds as though the Pats have some legitimate interest in Tom Brady’s nightmare.  Seriously, this guy has been in Brady’s lap more times than Gisele.  I’m always for adding someone who can improve a pass rush by himself, and Schobel is definitely one of those players.  The only question, as frequently occurs when dealing with the Pats, is what he’ll cost.  We aren’t talking Julius Peppers money here, but he won’t be cheap.

A few quick-hitters:

~Patrick Chung, on why he enjoys special teams: “It’s a legalized 40-yard fistfight”.  I think I might have a new favorite Patriot.  What a great line.

~Nick Kaczur has what’s being termed as a “significant back injury”, which just makes me hate Logan Mankins even more.  Get your ass to camp and start punching people in the cock, Redbeard.

~Charlie Weiss is falling apart.  Literally.  I can’t imagine how someone in peak physical condition, such as Charlie, could have something like this happen to him.  It’s shocking.

~Anybody else think the Yankees’ rotation is suspect after C.C.?  Phil Hughes is fading as the season wears on, Burnett is twenty pounds of hot garbage stuffed into a ten-pound headcase, Javi Vazquez is irrelevant in the A.L., and Andy Pettitte helped build the pyramids.  I’m not saying the Sox will catch them, but I wouldn’t put money on NY going anywhere with those arms.

And now…the moment all ten of you have been waiting for…it’s fantasy football time.  As a refresher, we left off at Dallas Clark as my number 30 overall.

31. Greg Jennings: He can’t possibly be as disappointing as last year’s lackluster effort, and Driver is playing on borrowed time at this point despite his continued production.  Rodgers will get him the ball more frequently, particularly with newly minted TE stud Jermichael Jer-Finley attracting defensive attention away from the Pack’s best wideout.

32. Pierre Thomas: I fucking hate Reggie Bush, both as a person and as a fantasy football option.  I feel like Sean Payton shares my distaste for Mr. Kardashian, hence the preferential treatment shown to Thomas as an every-down type of back.  Plus, you want as many major pieces of this New Orleans offense as you can get.

33. Sidney Rice: I’m nearly positive Favre is coming back, and while I dislike his Wrangler-festooned personality and accent, he’s good for fantasy business in Minnesota.  Rice is a sicko, to the tune of ten scores over his final nine games (including the playoffs) last year.  You’ll have to take him higher than this in most leagues, and I’ll move him up my draft board when Brett confirms his return.

34. Antonio Gates: This is my pick as the guy you’ll see most often on successful fantasy teams this season.  He’s a TD machine in a stellar offense, and I can’t imagine his redzone looks decreasing with the departure of Tomlinson and suspension of Vincent Jackson.  Only knock on Gates is his propensity to be strongly vaginal at times, but I’ll risk him missing a game or two in exchange for his consistent production.

35. Jahvid Best: While I can’t condone selecting him with the second overall pick like my friend did (albeit accidentally, darn player queue), Best stands to do well in an improved Lion offense.  Much more of a homerun hitter than his backfield brother Kevin Smith, I believe Best will benefit from having a solid, proven back providing a change of pace against opposing defenses.  1300 total yards and a handful of scores aren’t out of the question.

36. DeSean Jackson: I’m trusting that Kevin Kolb isn’t a total bum here (see post-Super Bowl Jake Delhomme) and that he can reach Jackson downfield.  The kid is a burner and big-play maven, plus a kick-returning whirlwind if you engage in a league that rewards you for such feats.  But Kolb worries me a little.

37. Steve Smith (CAR): No, not the fake NYG Steve Smith.  I’m banking on Matt Moore not being capable of sucking the way Jake Delhomme sucks.  It seemed like Moore and Smith found a nice chemistry as last season wore on, and I still believe Smith has the talent and athletic ability to be a top-5 WR when healthy.

38. Beanie Wells: Would you allow Matt Leinart to chuck the ball around?  And no, I’m not buying the Derek Anderson hype until I see it for a few regular season games.  That pretty much leaves you with Wells and Tim Hightower, and while Hightower is a pain in the ass TD vulture, Wells should see an expanded role this season.

39. Ronnie Brown: Why draft a guy who can’t stay healthy for a full season?  Because if he does, you’re most likely going to win your league if the rest of your team doesn’t stink.  Brown is as talented a back as there is in the league (yes, that includes Purple Jesus and Chris Johnson), his fantasy points-per-game average is always ridiculous, but yeah, he ALWAYS ends up tearing something.  Classic high-risk, high-reward.

40. Joseph Addai: Listen, I love UCONN, but Donald Brown isn’t going to be an every-down back in the NFL, and Addai straight up finds the endzone.  Peyton will have the Indy offense clicking right out of the gate, and there’s been rumblings about wanting to reduce the number of passes he has to throw over the course of a season, two factors which have me high on Addai.

Until next time, loyal readers…

Sox Surge For Naught?, Pats Go Camping, Fantasy Pigskin Part 3

With seven wins in their last ten games, most would expect the Sox to have made up significant ground on AL East foes Tampa and New York.  Unfortunately for Boston, the three best teams in the AL (and possibly the league) this year reside in the East, meaning that said 7-3 record has resulted in the Sox LOSING ground on Tampa over the same stretch (8-2) and only gaining a single game on NY (6-4).  Here at NErage, however, we choose to focus on the positives in life.  So here goes:  John Lackey has emerged from the All-Star break with a vengence, posting three straight starts of at least seven innings and no more than two earned runs allowed (with a date tonight with the lowly Injuns); Clay Buchholz was dominant on Sunday against a good Tigers lineup in a game Papelbon ultimately blew for him;  even Josh Beckett has returned strong from a two-month hiatus, posting a win last week during the Sox’ sweep of the Angels.  One has to wonder, however,  how long this team can continue to tread water in the AL East while fending off the always-pesky Twins in the hunt for the Wild Card.  One thing is for certain:  If Ellsbury and Pedroia do not return to this lineup within the next couple of weeks, this Red Sox season is like everything British Petroleum touches…dead in the water.

When you read this Pats training camp report by Christopher Price, try your hardest to ignore how gay it makes Tom Brady sound and focus instead upon Aaron Hernandez.  I get the feeling that this kid is going to be the TE goal-line threat that the Pats have lacked since Christian “Between-the-legs-jump-spike” Fauria.  Ben Watson was never that guy, and as much as I love Danny Graham, his hands were like frozen bricks wrapped in slices of uncooked bacon and sprayed down thoroughly with Pam.  But man, that guy could run block his ass off.

"Remember that time you pancaked a Mack truck?"

Also from training camp, it sounds like the injury suffered by Gary Guyton is a relatively minor one, so everybody can relax a little on that front.  The last thing the Pats need is to start dropping linebackers from an extremely young (but talented) unit.  Derrick Burgess, on the other hand, can fuck off and retire.  They worked out former-Fin Adewale Ogunleye yesterday in case Burgess does in fact decide to hang ’em up, which some have argued he already did two or three years ago.  Not my favorite recent signing, to say the least.

On to the Green, who a few days ago inked one of those players who can make or break your team, or your afternoon tea.  I am of course speaking of Olympiacos’ own Von “Lorna Doone” Wafer, who last played in the NBA two seasons ago for the Rockets.  Last time I saw this guy, he had one those idiotic Ron Artest faux-hawk things going on, but he’s a scorer off the bench so I won’t hold it against him.  The second/third units seem to be rounding into form nicely for the C’s, who have added bench depth this offseason rather than involve themselves in the marquee free agent fuck-fest of a month ago.

Ron, you're dripping crazy all over Von.

How about that third round of fantasy football rankings?  Here you go loyal readers, as we enter the rounds that usually dictate your success as a manager and as a person.  Maybe that’s taking it too far…

Note: Denver’s Knowshon Moreno has a “mildly frayed” hamstring after feeling it pop over the weekend.  Avoid him like the plague, if for no other reason than one of his major leg muscles is now being compared to an elderly pair of my boxer shorts.

21. Ryan Mathews: I’ve never trusted single-T Mathew’s as a general rule, but I think in this case it’s okay to roll the dice.  Single-T (I think I just coined his nickname) is getting rave reviews early on in Chargers camp, and with LT’s departure he makes for one of those gigantic upside picks as a young starting RB in a potent and established offense.

22. Shonn Greene: Let’s continue the run on players who spell simple names oddly and snatch up Gang Green’s replacement for Thomas “Why Does Everybody Dog Me?” Jones.  Their line is ridiculously good, they have some wideouts and Dustin Keller who can stretch the field and open things up underneath, and Mark Sanchez needs to hand the ball off to be a successful NFL quarterback.  A caveat to be aware of:  LT is in the house now, so goal-line carries are not a sure thing for Greene.

23. Larry Fitzgerald: Nobody is more upset about the upcoming season than Fitzy, who finally loses Brenda Warner to old age and will now be subjected with regularity to footballs hurled into the turf and twenty feet over his head.  Matt Leinart sucks, is what I’m saying.  Then again, Fitzy doesn’t have Anquan Boldin sucking up the stats anymore, so perhaps he can salvage a solid season.  Either way, early third round seems right for the former top-ten pick.

24. Brandon Marshall: Chad Henne is going to use Marshall like Kobe uses concierges, Ron Washington uses crack and Roethlisberger uses teenage girls.  The guy is a huge target, runs like a deer and is pretty much a lock to reach the century mark in catches every year he plays the full slate.

25. LeSean McCoy: Brian Westbrook has departed, Mike Bell just got carted off the field, and this kid has talent to spare.  Think Ray Rice and his skill set, only probably not quite as explosive.  Teams won’t be able to stack the box to stop him given Philly’s WR threats.  If Bell is out for an extended period of time, McCoy is going to have a party every Sunday.

26. Miles Austin: Last year’s biggest surprise at the WR position might not repeat 1300 yards and 11 scores, but I believe he’ll come close.  Dez Bryant is already proving how brittle he is and Roy Williams is nowhere near Austin in terms of athleticism, and Romo seems to look for him with the same frequency as he looks for Jason Witten.

27. Matt Schaub: If he can stay on the field for all 16 games (and that has been a big “IF” to this point in his career), Schaub can be argued as the third most valuable fantasy QB in the league.  He gets to throw to Andre Johnson and a more-than-serviceable TE in Owen Daniels, and his secondary wideouts (including Jacoby Jones) are also solid.  Great arm + great weapons = fantasy success.

28. Tony Romo: He’s got all the weapons you could want for your fantasy QB in Austin, Witten, Williams, and Bryant, plus two capable (though oft-injured) backs in Barber and Jones to help shoulder the load and keep the heat off him.  If he continues down the path of ball control and good decision-making, he’ll duplicate last year’s 26 TD, 9 INT campaign.  If not, he’ll be more along the lines of Romo ’08 and end up fucking Homer Simpson again.

29. Marques Colston: The best of a great bunch of Saints wideouts, Colston is a beast when healthy.  Oh yeah, and Drew Brees chucks the rock at him, so that’s usually a good thing for a receiver.  He might not get the catches or yardage of other number ones, but I think his TD total will always be there as long as Brees is guiding the ship.  Plus, he played his college ball at Hofstra.  Nobody plays their college ball at Hofstra.

30. Dallas Clark: He gets better and better every year, he catches passes from Peyton Manning, and he’s the one Colt I don’t despise as a human being.  Oh, and did I mention the ‘stache?  Seriously though, he’s the best TE in the game, both for fantasy purposes and in real life.

I'll fucking kill you if Dallas isn't the first TE off the board. No really, I have weapons.

Anybody else loving the infrequent posting and updates?  Me three.  Let’s hold onto that feeling…

Pats Chatter Heats Up, Sox Season Sinking Fast, Fantasy Football Fun Part Deux

First, great news on the slot receiver front.  It sounds as though “The Man They Call Welker” could be ready to go not only for training camp but also for game one against the Pink n’ Orange Kitties.  This is probably the best story coming out of the NFL this offseason, particularly when you consider its competition includes the serial rapist in Pittsburgh, Chris Henry’s failed “Teen Wolf” roof ride attempt, and JaMarcus “The Robo-Trip” Russell getting busted with the purple stuff (would’ve been okay if it had been Sunny D).  One thing I do not want to see is Wes involved in any way, shape or form during game 16 against the Texans the preseason slate.

Tom Brady needs an extension, Tom Brady deserves to get paid handsomely via said extension, and Mr. Kraft is going to take care of our boy.  And by the way, Brady shows up for camp with the rookies instead of acting like a holding-out, spoiled little bitch.  Take notes, Logan Mankins.

Continuing with Foxboro fodder, two more picks got inked yesterday (Gronkowski and Cunningham) leaving only Brandon Spikes and Devin McCourty unsigned from this year’s draft stock.  Indications are that the quicksand-like progression of other first round picks’ negotiations is the main factor holding up McCourty’s signing, while Spikes’ agent is “hopeful” his deal will soon be done.  The sooner these kids get to camp with the Hoodie, the better.

As they sit five games out of the AL wild card playoff spot, it should be noted that a ton of games remain for the Sox to right what appears to be a swiftly-sinking ship.  Yes, Beckett and Buchholz have returned to solidify the starting rotation.  And it appears that Victor will be activated for tonight’s tilt with the Mighty Ducks.  Heck, even Jacoby is participating in rehab games.  But the issue for this team at the moment can be summed up by a quick glance at this picture:

Just sit here and think about how much you suck.

The bridge to Bard and Papelbon is broken, washed out by a bad back, poor mechanics and/or the league catching on to his stuff.  Whatever the reason or excuse, Okajima is a shell of the guy who used to reliably get the lead to the big guns, and his own silence on the matter is perhaps more damning than the lousy performances themselves.  (Oh, and as an extra special treat, the Angels will fire newly-acquired Dan Haren across the bow at the Sox for tonight’s series opener.  Ouch.)

Okay, fantasy freeloaders.  Time for Mr. H’s Round Two selections.  Refer back to Round One if you need a refresher on who’s off the board; God knows it was a while ago…

Round Two

11. Randy Moss:  The Man from Rand is in a contract year, his QB is another year removed from knee surgery, and oh yeah, he’s still fucking nasty.  Tied for the league-lead in TD catches with 13 last season; I’m putting him down for 16+ this year.

12. Drew Brees: Hard to believe I’d put any skin-slinger above this guy, but as I said in the previous column, A-Rodge’s rushing stats are the difference.  Best deep ball in the league could easily make a fool of me, to the tune of 4500 yards and (maybe) 40 TDs.

13. Rashard Mendenhall: I hate the Steelers, but the kid is talented, the offense is solid with Roethlisberger and they love to pound the rock.  And by that I mean rape girls.

14. Reggie Wayne: All he does is catch what Peyton tosses his way.  1200 yards and 10 scores last season with Dallas Clark putting up career numbers himself; I think he improves slightly in both categories this year.

15. Calvin Johnson: It’s show-and-prove time for Megatron, and by that I mean he needs to show-and-prove that he can put up numbers worthy of the most bad-ass nickname in professional sports.  I think he’ll do just that, somewhere in the neighborhood of 1300 yards and 12 scores, and I’d consider him over Mendenhall AND Wayne if Stafford looks good in camp.

16. Roddy White: The WR run continues as White solidifies himself as an elite receiver.  Matt Ryan can get him the rock, and he’s already got three straight seasons with at least 80 grabs and 1100 yards.

17. Peyton Manning: Yeah, I know, what about Tom Terrific?  Fear not, he’s coming up soon.  But in the second round I have to give Frankenstein’s monster the nod.  He’s a machine who proved he could do it statistically without Marvin Harrison.  Book him for 4000 yards, 30 TDs, and zero interest from females.

18. Ryan Grant: Maybe the most under-appreciated back in the fantasy spectrum, probably because of all the attention Rodgers, Jennings, Driver and Co. receive.  He was good for 1250 yards and 11 scores (with only one fumble lost) last season; only knock is his lack of receiving numbers due to the plethora of Packer options.

19. Tom Brady: I strongly believe that Brady now has the most talented receiving corps in the league, particularly with the positive reports regarding Welker’s health.  Moss, Wes, and Holt are only the beginning as the Pats can also roll out youngsters Brandon Tate, Julian Edelman, and the spanking-new TE duo/Cranston law firm of Gronkowski and Hernandez.  Don’t forget about Crump Juice, either.  I can’t wait to watch him run somebody over.

20. Cedric Benson: Yuck, yuck, yuck.  I hate writing this guy in, because if there’s one thing I can’t fucking stand, it’s somebody I should draft in a certain position even though I’m positive he’s going to commit a felony/eat his way out of the league/remember he’s a pussy.  That said, the dude put up digits last year, and I really like their offense if they land T.O.  Hold your nose and pick him.

Round Two is in the books.  Hopefully I’ll have an expedited Round Three for you folks (fucks?) in the next day or three.

His Airness Punks LBJ, Sox Fading Fast, Fantasy Football Preview Part 1

This time, He has Cleveland's back

This may seem sacrilegious coming from a Celtics fan, but Michael Jordan was, is, and always will be the shit.  He’s the greatest player to ever don a basketball uniform, the fiercest competitor, the most clutch “human being” in existence, etc. etc. etc.  So when Mike comes out and kind of, um, shits on LeBron for his move to Miami, I take notice.  So, evidently, has ESPN.  Normally in situations involving a former player throwing his two cents in regarding the actions of a current player I almost always side with the active player, mainly because I think it’s easy and even cowardly to spit opinions out when you don’t have to face the guy you’re punking on the field of play.  But as I indicated before, Jordan is God.  I feel blessed to have had the pleasure and honor of watching His entire professional career play out, from Chicago to Washington.  He’s the greatest athlete I’ve ever seen, a player who altered the way the game of basketball is played today, a player upon whom each and every active player should bestow some small measure of thanks for influencing their own styles of play.  LeBron, Kobe, none of you are or can be on MJ’s level.  And just think…He left the game for two years during the peak of His career.  Kobe should be chasing eight rings, along with donkey-assed caucasian concierges.

Lawrence of Gay-rabia

It was an inauspicious start to the post-break slate for the Sox this past weekend as the hometown boys dropped three of four to a Ranger club I’m actually starting to respect a little.  The loss yesterday moved Boston to 3-7 over their last ten games, a disturbing trend they need to reverse quickly, and dates with Oakland and Seattle this week would seem to be a solid elixir for what ails them.  Of course, this could also be a potent shot in the arm for a struggling and bruised pitching staff.  We’ll see if the Dice Man can get them started off on the right foot tonight against Ben “Dude, Where’s My Elbow?” Sheets.

Fantasy football lovers, rejoice.  Your mentor, your idol, your oracle has arrived.  That’s right, folks, it’s time to kick-start the old draft machine and get into some predictions.  Now, the league I run is a PPR* league in which quarterbacks actually end up being of the greatest value (I’ll post a link to my league once we’ve drafted so you can see what I mean and tell me how nasty my squad is), so for general viewership purposes all of my predictions and advice will be based upon Yahoo’s standard scoring settings in a ten-team league.  Without further ado, let’s start this bitch up with my first rounders…

*If you don’t know what “PPR” means, you probably should be skipping over this section

Mr. H’s Top Ten Picks (Barring Injury or Legal Issues)

1. Adrian Peterson:  Brett will be back, the offense will be great again, and I still don’t think we’ve seen his best season yet.

2. Ray Rice:  You might not see the yardage totals of a year ago, but his TD output could easily double with Boldin stretching the field.

3. Maurice Jones-Drew:  Steady, solid, and as sure a thing to be a TD machine as there is in the league.  Plus, the Kitties don’t have anyone else.

4. Chris Johnson:  Don’t expect last year’s numbers from the quickest back in the league, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to stink.  Keep in mind that uber-blocking TE Crumpler resides in New England now.

5. Frank Gore:  His offensive line got a shot of anabolics, Vernon Davis is an absolute beast, and SF might be the surprise NFC team of this season.  If they can get out in front on some teams, Gore might be a top-three value.

6. Andre Johnson:  Bang-bang Johnson is money in the bank and the best receiver in the league, hands down, now that Kurt Warner left Fitzy to die at the hands of Leinart.  Schaub can get him the rock anywhere, and often.

7. Steven Jackson:  As with MJD, he’s all they’ve got.  The Predator is a yardage stud who might score only a handful of times; I’d flip him and Johnson in a PPR league.

8. Aaron Rodgers:  Shocker special?  Not really, just look at what the kid did last year with a terrible offensive line.  His rushing stats set him apart from Brees, no offense to the reigning champs.

9. DeAngelo Williams:  Yeah, I know Jonathan Stewart will poach his touches and scores, but Carolina is once again going to run the ball into the ground.  There’s plenty to go around, and Williams is the more talented back.

10. Michael Turner:  Perhaps too good a bargain here, but the Burner needs to return to his form of two seasons ago to reclaim me as a believer.  Last year’s effort was putrid (though not as bad as Matt Forte’s…yuck).

That’s my top ten for now, though it’s always subject to change.  More fantasy fun next post.  Until then, draft well, and for God’s sake have a bye week strategy–you’re either throwing a week or spreading them out.

Random Bits

Let’s make this quick, I have a football draft starting in ten minutes…

Nasty Nate re-signed with the C’s, Bowden has joined the Sox bullpen for the Oakland series, and some dude that plays football for Pitt went Charles Barkley on somebody…in an art gallery.

There's nothing minimalistic about Sir Charles' gayness in this doozy

George-In-The-Box, C’s Hire Frank, Pats Rookies and More

I swear, I had a plan.  I was going to do this long, painfully drawn-out interview with Satan covering Steinbrenner’s arrival to Hell.  I was going to call it “The Incision” and pretend his autopsy was broadcast live on ESPN with Jim Gray lurking in the background.  It probably wouldn’t have been very funny to anybody except me, so I’m just going to go ahead and let the Iron Sheik handle my business for me…

I’m still trying to figure out what “King of the Crumb” means, Mr. Sheik.  Personally, I’d have forked over fifty or sixty bucks to watch George arm-wrestle the Sheik.  R.I.P., you lumpy bastard.  The hatred just won’t be the same without you.  And by the way, I’d have charities out the ass too if I had that much money.  Everybody knows you can write that shit off come tax day.

In “Holy Crap, That Makes My Dick Soft” news, the C’s hired Lawrence “Buttermilk” Frank (he of New Jersey Nets fame) to be an assistant under Doc.  Little known fact about Frank:  He spent several seasons as the team manager under Bobby Knight at Indiana.  Love the hire, hate the stature.  Guy looks like an extra from that Sean Connery midget movie.  Also, we really needed another ginger in Beantown?

The Pats are going to have more than one impact rookie this season.  Which begs the question…who you got??

Myself, I think Zoltan Mesko has a chance to make the Pro Bowl this season.  I’m basing this upon absolutely nothing except A) his Hungarian name and B) his role in “Big”.  What’s that, you say?  The machine in “Big” was actually called “Zoltar Speaks”??  I guess there ARE bigger dorks than fantasy sports nuts…

At last check tonight, the Sox were down 7-2 to the Rangers.  I’m guessing that means Wake’s knuck was dancing like that vapid bitch from “John and Kate Plus 8 Future Sweatshop Employees”.  This team needs Josh Beckett back in the worst way.  And V-Mart, and Jacoby, and Pedroia and…

"Pssssst...how much do you hate Mommy?"

There’s no truth to the rumor that a certain recently-deceased former owner of the New York Yankees is currently crammed in a well, keeping the Gulf Oil Spill at bay.  But great job, British Petroleum!  To quote Winston Wolf, “Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet, gentlemen”…